Today, Mike, Nick, and I went to the store to get flu shots. It was an outing. I needed an outing, but I had to get Nick and Mike out as quickly as I could. They’re susceptible. I work to protect them.
I had fun until the part when they were finished and I still needed to pick up groceries.
Shopping is exhausting and I struggle to push the cart. Plus, I try hard to avoid the contact with people. At this point, I must be in a high risk category if I catch COVID myself. Already breathless and with chest pain, I must be at risk.
Knowing that the guys were waiting in the car, I stopped at the deli to get some spicy chicken tenders for salads. It figured that my deli guy, who I usually have trouble getting to smile, wanted to talk today. It figured.
But I let him talk. He fell into a story then began to tell me about how he’d had a heart attack. I’d heard he’d been out. I’d even prayed for him last winter because they’d said he was so critical. He’d come back and been so quiet. Today he decided to pause and tell me how he’d fallen to the floor of a restaurant and he laid there for forty-eight minutes without a pulse. He said a doctor recommended that his brother pull the plug after he’d fallen into a coma for three weeks. I stood across the display case trying to hold back tears as he spoke. I stared into his blue eyes.
When he awoke, a young doctor told him it was a miracle. Then, a more experienced doctor spoke up and said it wasn’t a miracle, but it was because of the man who gave him CPR that whole forty-eight minutes, the guy who broke four of my deli guy’s ribs, the guy who left bruises all over his chest. That was why he was still alive.
“You must have something else you need to do,” I said. “You should get to doing it.”
He nodded. We were quiet for a moment.
“But make sure you don’t finish it too fast,” I said.
We had to stop talking then. Another customer had slipped in line behind me.
I always liked saying that to people who told me their near-death experiences, that they had a purpose in the universe. I want to believe it. I used to believe it, that if a person lived through an event, they must have something else they needed to finish.
I had a rough summer this year. I thought a lot about death this summer. I lived through it. I did. I’m doing a little bit better now, a little bit.
But I’m not so certain about my hopeful theory any more. I wish I believed I have something else I need to accomplish to set things right. I wish I did.
I’m not so sure about it now. Maybe it’s just a bunch of bullshit.
Thank you for listening, jules