Physician, heal thyself.
I'm not a physician. I never was, though I had a brief bout of nausea regarding my potential to become a doctor. Brief. I just didn't want to be in school that long. Little did I know I'd end up being in school in one way or another all my life. I didn't want to give up my life to being a doctor though.
But there is a benefit in being able to look at your own problems and see them for what they are. Don't you think so?
I have anxiety, but only with relation to insomnia. When I get enough sleep, the anxiety settles down into a bit of an oddity, a quirkiness of my personality, and nothing more. When I'm tired, when I don't get enough sleep, my anxiety grows into a larger thing. When I'm seriously sleep-deprived, it becomes that hulking mass that chases me around the lip of the abyss.
I am occasionally seriously sleep-deprived. I try not to let anyone know during those times, but I'm sure its shadow looms large behind me and I'll have that deer-in-the-headlights look in my face.
Do you think demons are real?
I used to think that heaven was real but hell was made up.
Now, I know that hell is a place people create for themselves. It's not an after-you-die kind of thing, but something that rips at the flesh of humanity all around us.
Did you ever know that person who is eternally miserable? You ask him what he did last weekend and he regales you with all the work he did at home and how he can never afford to sit back and read a book because he just doesn't have enough time. You wonder if this guy will explode if he pops the wrong zit on his back. You wonder how he thinks his life is worth living when it's a constant misery to him.
Yeah, hell is real. It's right here on earth, haunting people who won't allow themselves the joy of propping up their feet to read a novel, someone who never ever is caught napping and thinks less of people who do.
So, I give myself the freedom to lie back in my chair and not only read a book, but to fall asleep to it too. Today, I had swaddled myself in a blanket and had propped my book onto a pillow in my lap when drowsiness crawled up onto my lap in the form of my old cat, Seth. I swear, he has the ability to make me sleepy. That control keeps me still for long enough for him to warm his bones on me. In a few more minutes, Blitz was there on my shins, ready for his afternoon siesta. I was going down like a baby sung a lullaby.
Unfortunately, my nephew arrived and suddenly, I was awake and the cats scattered.
I believe that Blitz rests better when he can nap with me. The leaf blower and the dog returning to tell me how far my nephew took him up the mountain made that siesta impossible. Poor Blitz.
He's tired now. He sits hunched on the carpet to my right. He doesn't look comfortable. He looks a little tired, as if he's been forced to work too hard all weekend and isn't it just hell when a body can't read a book and take a nap in the afternoon?
Blitz and I have so much in common. I believe in the power of rejuvenation. I think that people must allow themselves a break in their lives. They must, or life turns into sheer hell, that hulking mass that pushes us into the abyss.
There's enough hell in this world. Take an afternoon nap when you can. Your anxiety will decrease. We all need that.
Thank you for listening, jules